velvetina_belle

Is that really me? Some of that result appeals and some really doesn't. For example that ending. I can be immature and I don't look down on those who also are, I think we need a bit of immaturity about us to stay 'sane'. *Bites lip* The jury is still out on whether or not I like this result.

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*Laugh* Yeah, I've got to a point where I've had to start about the terrifying concept of truely growing up...scary. I have a feeling I'm not going to deal with the transition well, it all seems so stupidly big. I know I've been known to say recently 'We all have to deal with adult things sooner or later'...however I've decided its my perogative not to practice what I preach *giggle* Okay, so I know there are just some things that you can't run from.

It all started with getting my results last week...I knew they weren't going to be as good as I hoped, I mean going down with an attack halfway through them was always going to cause some problems. But I desperatly hoped to not get below a 'c' grade, because that is still considered above average where I am. I finally came out with two C's and a B...and I was devastated about the stupid B rather than the C's. I so desperatly wanted an A in English and I was about four marks off it and for a good while I was heartbroken about it. Its just that out of all the academic things I do English is the only thing that comes sorta naturally to me...and I managed to mess it up. Being ill isn't an excuse. Well, whatever it means I can't go to my first choice of University. In someways I am horrified by this and in other ways I am thrilled.

People who have spoken to me any amount will know that I am crazy about acting but I mainly applied to Uni to do law as a sort of way to please my parents as they don't support my idea of going into acting. However, that didn't stop me taking a gap year to partly attempt to get into the 'Guildhall' which is a leading acting school here. But now my parents are all over me about the exams and how I can appeal against decisions and things and when I simply try to explain to them that I am not all that bothered about it and am quite content to find my way down another of lifes paths they don't get it.

I cannot help feeling that I need to get out from underneath their infulence. Especially my mother. Hell, I cannot help feel that I need to get out of England as a whole. I mean I love this country, anyone who asks me knows that surely, but I cannot help feel that I've gotten into something of a rut here. I need a fresh start away from the pain of old memories, get away from the scars and the worry about satisfying the people I see on a daily basis and simply live for myself.

So with this idea nervously fluttering around in my mind I set out to do some research and found an acting school in America that I think I could be happy at. It has a great reputation and...I don't know as soon as I found it I almost felt it calling to me....is that weird? Thing is it doesn't accept you until you are twenty...but I considered using this extra two years for several things:

1) To re-sit my English...I want that frickin A. Not for Uni but simply for personal satisfaction. It may sound selfish but I deserve that grade, illness or no.

2) To get over my health issues. As much as I am loathe to admit it I need to deal with it. Although it is finally confirmed I'm going into hosiptal on the 1st...they arsed about a bit before giving me a definate answer.

3) I wondered if it would possibly be a wise idea to move out there beforehand and get used to the country/get a job. Therefore I'd know the place and have some sort of financial security.

I know I have several problems facing me. One being that I have no clue what-so-ever how to go about setting this in motion. None...how do I just up and leave, find accomidation, find a job...its crazy! I also haven't even whispered to my parents about my plans yet. It won't be a fun chat. They are going to flip out at even the suggestion and I'm scared they are going to be able to talk me out of it. They manage to talk me out of so many things that I love with guilt trips about mums illness and responsiblities. Not sure at all how to handle it. I'm not to bothered about telling my friends. We all know that not many of them are going to be all that heartbroken. Also...as much as I want it I'm terrified. Such a big step, sometimes I think I'm crazy even to contemplate it.

Eh, I guess nothing is set in stone. I've just got to go with the flow for now. I just hate dealing with stuff like this.

I'm also contemplating finally getting over my terror of needles and getting a tattoo...*Grins* Okay, its nice to dream anyway.

I'll tell you what also scared the heck out of me the other day, I managed to get boiling water poured over my right hand *wrinkled nose* Yes, I'm a disaster. Luckily I got it under cold water pronto, but the idea of not being able to use my hand is a terrifying one. However, it seems I got lucky and have just got another scar to add to the collection.

Hmm, *thinks* I'm so full of serious stuff I really feel I should have something fun to cheer you all up. After all there are so many good things out there to be happy about.

Oh I know! I'm writing again...not technically something the world should be happy about but after a spell of nothing for me it was wonderful. I reveled in the fact that I looked up from my keyboard, I felt a sharp pain in my neck, my back cracked, my throat was dry and the clock was four hours later on then when I'd last looked. The words poured out...I'd happily put up with that everday for the sense of relief that writing gave me.

I think thats all from me for now.

Hey all. *Waves and sighs* As usual I haven't been showing my face around here as much as I should...or being late with pretty much everything, not talking to people as much as I'd like. *Smile* I will get better I promise its just that right now- as per usual- I've got some stuff on my plate that occasionally means that I physically cannot use my computer. I wasn't going to say anything because I don't want any pity and this post isn't looking for any kind of sympathy, I've simply got to the point where I feel guilty because I'm neglecting people who I consider to be my friends and want to let them know I am still here and care. So I shall simply explain the basics and move on, you are more than welcome to skip. I don't mind.

( You're welcome to skip...its nothing fun )

Okay now I've got that out of my system, I shall apologise for being a depressing sod and move on.

Comment to this post and I'll assign you a letter. Then you post this in your own journal with 10 things you enjoy that start with that letter, and give other people letters if they request them! Thus, the cycle continues. How exciting!

I was given the letter 'A' by exploding_candy because 'vowels need love too'. Lol, anyway at first I was stuck trying to think of ten things startiing with 'A' that I enjoy but I just let my mind go and this was the result.

1. Angels: Why? This should be obvious from my previous post but I can explain more. I understand angels, they bring me peace and comfort. I know my angel and they are a big part of my life.
2. Animals: In the animal kingdom I have ones that place above others in my affections but in general I love animals. Heck we are animals so how can I help but love them?
3. Analysis: Most people who know me know that I adore to analyse texts. I love to try and understand what the writer means, the hidden clues to deeper understanding. My last english teacher called my analysis skills 'exceptional', a friend told me I was just 'freaky'. Take your pick folks.
4. Andrew Lloyd Webber: Like his musicals, pure and simple.
5. Anime: I admit I am a bit obsessed or at least getting that way. I will try basically anything you suggest if I can get my hands on it. I was very recently introduced to 'Gravitation' and it already has a place in my heart...along with all of the other ones I've ever watched. *Grin*
6. American Idiot: Its an album I listened to alot and still like. It has some fun track but also the slower ones, a good mix. I know st_minority is with me on this one.
7. Antonio: The character from my favorite Shakesphere play. 'The Merchant of Venice', every time it gets to the courtroom scene I get chills.
8. Apples: A nice juicy, crunchy apple. I love it...I mean come one was I the only one cheering at the end of DMC when Barbossa finally managed to eat his apple?!
9. Apparel: Fancy word for clothes. Tends to be assocaited with the more elegant use of clothes...right up my street.
10. All of you guys: Corny but true. You lot help make my world a better place. I wouldn't lose you for anything.

Eh, considering I found it hard to start with I've got ten more things in mind but oh well!

Hmm, I also was going to put up a picture of my cats as I promised some folks a while ago but me being really silly somehow the pics are massive so I'm gonna try to figure out how to make them smaller first.

Anyway thats all from me.

I'm very tired at the moment but before stumbling into bed I had to come and have a looksie and decided to do this meme from theidolhands who also somehow managed to get in there twice...very odd. St Min also managed it *raises eyebrow* eh, to tired to consider right now.



*Giggle* Oh well, have to go now as sleep is becoming essential..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I will reply to others posts when I wake up.

Eh, seems like quite a while since I've done a 'serious' update. Genenerally recently life has been too hectic to be true. After all I've left school now and just generally been revising and re-hearsing. My life revolves around those two R's basically. Its hectic!!

My last day was great, a total laugh. I dressed up as the devil which was pretty fun though I did get a few funny looks when I was walking down the main street at half past six in the morning...as you would I guess to be fair. However I survived the day and went on to the ball that evening. It was all well and good for a while until the dancing started when James jumped on my foot on the first dance...I ended up sitting the night out. However I put my time to good use and bonded with a friend that I'd sorta lost touch with. Anyway here are some piccies, just cos I'm in a good mood.

My friend James as Mr. Bean...when he talks its actually a great impression!:
http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g140/Velvetina_Kaiba/LASTDAYOFY13007.jpg


My friend as an angel...when she really isn't!!!
http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g140/Velvetina_Kaiba/LASTDAYOFY13017.jpg


A group of us looking like nutters...yeah I really don't look like me.
http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g140/Velvetina_Kaiba/LASTDAYOFY13039.jpg

Two of the best guys I know, Chris and Andy.
http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g140/Velvetina_Kaiba/LASTDAYOFY13029.jpg

We always say these two are a couple, they deny it though.
http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g140/Velvetina_Kaiba/LASTDAYOFY13054.jpg

First ball photo, yes I am the blonde.
http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g140/Velvetina_Kaiba/LASTDAYOFY13151.jpg

These guy's I've been friends with since I was ten.
http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g140/Velvetina_Kaiba/LASTDAYOFY13184.jpg

The ice on my foot! Yay...
http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g140/Velvetina_Kaiba/LASTDAYOFY13238.jpg

I do have better pics but they are on my other comp. Also I have a video of my friends being Indiana Jones but yousendit hates me and wont let me use it. *Laughs* Oh well.

Last night I went out to the westend to see Chicargo...LOVED IT! I just sang along and cheered and generally had a great time. Reccomend going and seeing it to anybody. I was so tired when I got in but it was totally worth it. *Laughs* Anyway thats all from me.

Its my last day at school! Yay *does happy dance* Although it is five past eight in the morning which, admittedly, is a bit of a bummer as I am still half asleep. Seriously why does my bus get me here so early when lessons don't start until nine? Crazy stuff. However since I was all alone in the common room, I decided to find a computer and update this. The fact that we arn't meant to use the computers for personal use means nothing to me because they can't really punish me anymore.

We are supposed to have dressed up for the last day and I decided to come as a devil, was orginally going to be an angel until I discovered that I have no funds in my bank that will allow it. So I stuck to my usual black and red clothes. I am wearing a black wig though which I find highly amusing, also reminds me why I've never dyed my hair black. However with the black make-up and bright red lipstick it looks in character...not to mention the horns =D I did feel slightly bad when I walked downstairs this morning and my cat ran away from me. I mean he wouldn't let me near him, bless Salem he's a big wuss at heart. Although I was getting some funny looks walking down the street this morning, maybe its just me and not that cat.

However, do have to be all beautified by this evening. It sounds bad but after all this the effort ahead just seems knackering. And being surrounded by a bunch of drunk morons doesn't appeal either. However, if I don't put in an appearance I will never hear the end of it from my friends. I may just take a camera and go picture happy. If you are very lucky I will post photos...actually my evening may as well go towards something, if only that.

But today has actually got me thinking. Its the end of an era (of sorts) for me...how many other ends am I going to go through? An end to my gap year. End of my holidays. End of Uni. Deaths are a sort of end. Friends will get married, that kind of an end of a type of friendship. *Smiles* Slightly morose, I know. But oh well. I'm not really all that good at dealing with ends. I'm bound to end up in tears before the end of today. But i geuss what has to be said is that generally every end starts a new beggining. However, if you find out it doesn't don't blame me!!

Anyway I will cheer up at some point because Matt's coming over to see me all 'prettyfied' as he put it. Bless, its odd to think that if I still know him in 5/7 years I will go and watch him get ready for his ball. I hop[e it happens.

Anyway I must go as a firend has arrived and is demanding attention! :D

*Giggles* Ok the title is a bit random but its to do with a CD/band that I recommend at the moment:

Panic!at the disco- A fever you can't sweat out. Its a fun, eclectic mixture of tunes. From little bits of techno to medival type piano. Well I'm rather fond of it anyway, if you can find some of their songs just to listen to I would.

Also I'm recommending a book, "The Time Travellers Wife" by Audrey Niffenegger. I may have mentioned this before. I know that when initial_aitch asked for a book recommendation I told them about this one and they enjoyed it. I have just finished re-reading it and loved it once again. Its a heartwarming beautiful story.


Hmm random note, does anyone else out there have Angel Cards ? They are cards that you put into a container and have words on them such as: Relaxation, Celebration etc. And they basically show what your day is going to focus on, you have to just pick the first one your hand is drawn too. The words don't always mean what you think they mean so you do have to double check with the book you recieve with the pack. Anyway I find them oddly satisfying. *Grins*

Anyway I may have...or actually may not have mentioned not so long ago that I have given up on the medical profession as a whole. Unfortunatly I am going to be made to eat my words as I'm booked at the hospital on Thursday. I don't know whats going to happen *shakes head* I've been sort of bullied into going back but I guess the old saying runs through my head: If at first you don't succeed and all that rot.

However am in a fairly good mood as have just finished watching QI, nothing like Stephan Fry's witty repartee to amuse me beyond belief. Found out some very interesting facts about Naoh's ark...for instance there were seven sheep aboard the ark as opposed the the generally thought two. After that I got watching a programme about Stalin and russian architecture which was oddly interesting, *whistles* some of those buildings. Wow.

Anyway that is all from me for now.

Lol its just ten past 12 on April the 23rd and I just wanted to celebrate the fact that I am now 18.

Yeah I actually haven't got much more to say than that, well actually I do have things that I want to write about but I am exhausted so they can wait lol.

Anyway just to say that the people I have met here have made me a better, happier person and I think you are all totally fab. *Smile*

Hey there! God I dread to think how long it is since I've seriously sat down at my computer and come on here. But I'm back and am a happier person which is great. I've had a great time recently and have a few happy points to share in hope that it spreads the happiness!

First point that I'm currently happy about is that in nine days I'm going to have my 18 BIRTHDAY. 23rd of April, folks think of me that day please because I'm going to be so crazily hyper!!

Second point is that the play that I was directing has gotten to the National Theatre. I'm the first ever under 18 (JUST!) to get a play at the national, I am so happy about that. Its made all of the hell I've gotten from it totally worth it. *dances*

Third I went to see Rocky Horror. I have to say it was quite possibly the best night of my life. I learnt all of the callouts which just enchanced the experiance and just generally had a great time. Although at the end a random transvestite that I met and I had to be kicked out by Franknfurter (Yes I know thats wrong! lol) because we wouldn't stop doing the Time Warp. Seriously if you haven't been GO!

Fourthly my drama group is doing a caberet soon and I've jumped into that feet first. I'm doing lots of things, including a scene from Willy Wonka (YAY working with Matt again as well as revisiting one of my best roles ever. But I am gonna have to deal with the bear again) but I am also singing a David Bowie song, Life On Mars (Yes Idol Hands I can see you grinning at this particular line up) I'm doing lots of other things too, but it feels so darn good to be on the stage again after directing!

Anyway in connection to a post that [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] recently did 'The Demon' we got into an interesting talk about how the light can also adversely effect you and well as the darkness. With that in mind I thought that I'd post some of the thoughts we came up with and other thoughts that I have on the subject.

As anyone who has ever read one of my older posts knows, I have my fair share of demons that I was always trying to run away from, desperatly trying to reach towards the light and escape. Well I have given up on that, in this world it simply isn't possible. Don't try you will only make yourself miserable. Seriously do as I have done, don't cage your demons. Instead embrace them listen to what they have to say but also take your angels and listen to what they have to say. Ideally you will be able to meld your darkness and light into one thing that lets you see in shades of grey rather than simply in black and white. I promise you that it has made my life scarily better, I'm the same person...I will admit that things still get me down afterall I am only human, however it is far easier to to find the silver lining around the cloud.

However what about those who actually seem to shun the light? Those who prefer to hide in shadows, never being seen, hardly ever being remembered. What do they get out of the darkness that they don't get from light? Well its exactly that we tease them about, they have a certain anonymity that allows them to go through life without having to truely examine what they are doing. The light exposes them, exposes the flaws that they wish to hide. However I think that once you embrace your flaw, what you are, you are to a certain extent bound to become a happier -hell healthier- person.

Now yes I hear the dark lovers out there crying in outrage that they most certainly are not afraid of the light, and that they are perfectly happy with any so called falws that they may have. I hurry to insist that simply because you may be attracted to the darker side of life (I myself am, as demonstrated that I belong to darksidewonka) that you are not a dark person. In fact those who are attracted to the dark generally seem to be the most adapted to life and its pitfalls (note GENERALLY) I think that is because those who are dark lovers have often been through a phase of true darkness. They understand it, the are even friends with it, however they also know what its like to bask in the light. They have found the best of both worlds.

So there you are I say embrace the demons and angels in your soul. Make them work together and life will seems better, I promise.

I have been told that the best thing for me to do is rest. Dontcha love it when the doc's say that to you? It basically means you've got to put up with whatever it is you've done. When I fell down my stairs I knocked my head pretty hard and I still can't get rid of this annoying headache and I've made a crack in one of the bones in my lower back. So nothing too serious and I will get better. I just have to be careful of how I sit, walk...pretty much do anything so that I don't antagonise my back.

Keh I guess that teaches me for being slightly careless when standing on the stairs, not gonna do that again in a rush. Anyway just thought I should let people know.