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Why yes, I am now back at University. Is it as bad as I was fearing? Yes and No. However, if this is the way that 2011 has decided to start I think I'll just skip this year.

I hope that everyone had a fantastic Christmas and a wonderful New Year, and that Jan had treated you all well so far! I wanted to say thanks to all of you who I recieved cards from - I have kept them all and look at them when I am feeling down. It works wonders!

Cut for gratuitous whining )
Best moment of the year so far? Sitting in my 18th Cent Literature class talking about Phillis Wheatly, this very middle class girl suddenly starts banging on the table screaming about how none of us know how hard it must have been for the authoress to be black and abused and how dare we talk about her work without understanding. Even the Prof found it hard not to crack up, I have a feeling its going to be an entertaining class.
velvetina_belle: (Default)
Hey guys, a little while a go I promised St Minority that I would send her my old coursework that was based on one of our mutal fave songs 'Boulevard of broken dreams' I have attempted to send it to her but I'm not sure it got through. Hope you enjoy it St Min

Read more... )

Yes I did write this peice when I was going through my depression, and expressing it kind of helped me at the time...also if you can't figure out what happened to her feel free to ask unless of course you are happy leaving it ambigous.

Ok well last you heard from me I was stressing over my examinations...well I have one left on next friday and then I am done. But I've also been having a hard time with my psychology teacher at the moment. We are doing coursework and because I've had hospital appointments or been sick I've missed a few lessons. So over the xmas holidays I caught up with everything and handed it into her last tuesday so that she could make some comments on it so I could improve it for when it was due to be handed in (last friday) and she had a massive go at me for missing deadlines and when I told her it was because I was ill she said to me "Well you shouldn't be so ill" and when I defended myself by saying I don't choose to be ill she got all pissy with me and told me that I was going to fail. Then to top it off she refused to give my work back to me to correct because I hadn't given it in on the proper dead line...stupid fucking cow. I actually hate her and want her to drop off the edge of this fucking planet...seriously if my grade drops because of that bitch I am going to be fucked off....or even more so, as shown by the various amounts of swear words creeping in i guess its obvious I'm pissed....sorry about that.

My best friends 'transformation' is once again taking a turn for the downside so screw that bitch too. I'm fed up of being bitched on, screwed over and generally put down. The bastards can just find themselves someone else to piss with because I have had enough.

The guy that came crying for help came back about a week ago and I've been in such a snit lately that I just said "Why don't you go hang yourself, I'm not going to tell you that you've done nothing wrong because you have and I refuse to have you in my house. The world will be a better place without you"

The 'player' who was pissing me off also got the sharp end of my temper. Thank you so much for the advice you gave Idol Hands, I would never have played him but because he could believe I was turning him down he just kept hassiling me. So I told him to shove it....in terms not suitable to type down.

I don't lose my temper all that often but this past week has been enough just to make me blow! So I'm sorry that I've vented liked this but if I didn't I would go insane...as it is I am afraid that this week has been spent panicking, drinking more than is good for me (which I never do), smoking...which I hate that I've resorted to because I honestly think its a terrible habit 'n' I've never actually smoked before this week and just wishing the whole thing was over with so that I could piss off to America and not see these bastards again.

....and so ends my rant. Sorry. I hoep you enjoyed the monologue St Minority. Now I am off to go listen to some soothing music.
velvetina_belle: (Default)
*yawns* Geez I honestly meant to use this holiday period as a time to kick back, relax and try to get over some of my many illnesses. Ha not a hope in hell for the past few days I have been swept off my feet with busy busy things, admittedly a few of them were my own doing however there are several things that I have neglected doing for far, far too long *looks guilty at revision and coursework folders*...ah who needs qualifications anyway...urm wait *looks even more guiltily (I don't think thats a real word)at the lastest chapter of 'Is it scary' that haven't reviewed yet* very very sorry Idol Hands but I honestly have had no time recently, I promise to jet over there as soon as I've posted this!!

Christmas day was good fun. I actually enjoyed it more than I've enjoyed it since I hit my teen years. My best friend blew off her family and her current boyfriend to come over to my house and spend the day with me. It is nowhere near enough to make me trust her properly again but it gave me confidence that she seems to be sort of heading in the right direction towards restoring our friendship. It also helped that she brought me presents that I loved. Firstly she got me this snuggley duck-billed platypus toy that has this been bag in its tummy that you heat up and it acts like a hot water bottle, it is also scented with lavender which she remembered helps with my migranes and insomnia. She got me a set of 'Betty Boop' girls boxers thingys that date back to an old joke that only me and her ever got. And she also got me Orlando Blooms biography knowning that he is the only real life person that I go fangirlish over- she does know my Willy Wonka obsession but not all of it lol. Anyway it was nice to see she put some thought into it. We spent the day in a typically girlie fashion...i.e eating chocolate, watching the first season of 'Will and Grace' and talking non-stop. Now just to see if it lasts.

Then Wed, I had a sort of dinner party where I got the gang over. I spent the day handmaking Spaghetti Carbonara. Do you have any idea how freaking hard it is to make pasta from hand??? I mean it was well worth it for the final result, the whole taste is much fresher. The sauce was easy enough to make but geez it tired me out. And I hadn't even made the dessert yet. But it all went down well and put together with two classy bottles of wine everyone said the night was a hit.

Thrusday all in all could have been considered one of the most bewildering days I have had in a while. It started off with my male friend calling me up because he needed to talk about his problems, this kinda surprised me because I literally haven't spoken to him in ages. He's basically been kicked out of his home, got a girl pregnant, the girl gave birth early, the kid lived for two days and died, and now he's been expelled from college and the people he was living with kicked him out again. And I get this call out of the blue asking me for help, you know what should I do etc. I think he was also hinting he needs a place to stay. I said I'd have to think about it. I mean sure the guy has been through some serious shit but A) It feels a lot like I am being used B) This is enhanced by the fact that he wasn't there when I needed him. So still thinking about that one. Anyway half an hour after this I get another call from an aquaintence/mate Phil, you know I have some decent conversations with him but he's not really a friend, and we chat for a while and then he drops this bomb on my head that he really likes me and wants to start dating etc and he's got it all planned out what we'd do on our dates. Now I'm a free minded kinda gal and like to be consulted on such matters so I got a bit tetchy about that, also I happen to know he's got a reputation as a player which puts me off and I've already got my heart set on someone else who I'm too shy to go for. So I tried turning him down gently but it just seemed to make him determind to change my mind. So I have been avoiding him since then.

However the day significantly improved when my friend from New York turned up on my doorstep. The sneaky cow had failed to mention that she was coming to England over the holidays and it was such a great surprise to see her again. We've known each other since we were about three and then she moved to the USA when we were ten, it was wonderful to catch up and all of that. She also approves of my reading material, seeing as shes the person most like me I know I somehow thought she would lol.

And then there was Friday where I went to see my Matt's play. *Happy dance* It was freaking awesome, my little dude totally stole the show. It was a production of 'Oliver' and Matt played the Artful Dodger. Seriously the kid is so cute he should come with his own warning notice! 'Warning, over-exposure to this child will leave you with tooth decay from sweetness'. Seriously I am at a loss how to explain how much I enjoyed the show, although it was heartwrenching to see him on stage without me. But it more that made up for it when he yelled 'I love you Beth' at the end when they all did their bows. I will admit I went bright red but I blew him a kiss anyway. And then we all went out for a meal afterwards to a surprisingly posh resturant and he was so beautifully behaved all of the way through that he put most of the so called adults to shame. Its my personal belief that the dinner should not have gone on as late as it did but who was I to tell Matt's parents so?? So I stuck to his side all evening and played games, god I miss being a kid, was so much fun. It may be slightly mean of my but one of my fave. moments of the night was at the table when his mum leant across Matt and stage whispered to me (which meant the whole table heard) 'I think my Matt has a little crush on you!' and Matt when the colour that I was earlier and said 'Aww MUM!' and I just hugged him and said 'Well I love him lots too' and it kept a beaming grim on his face all evening...and when I wanted something I'd ask him to do it and he'd refuse and I'd put on this sad face and and say 'Don't you love me anymore?' and he'd flash his cheeky grin at me and run off to do what I wanted. Although I quickly stopped that when he figured out it worked just as well on me...Oh dear I seemed to have gone off on a babble about Matt again. *blush* Moving on!

So when I finally got home it was this morning (like I said..waaay past the kids bedtime) I realised that by the time I'd done everything nessesary I would only get two hours sleep before I had to get up and get ready to go visit my family...so I simply didn't go to sleep. Lol. I will admit I am not looking foward to seeing my family, I am very much the outcast of the family and feel uncomfertable around them. But for my father I guess I can bear it for a while. As long as I am home in time to meet up with some people for new years celebrations I don't mind too much.

So all that is left to say it: Have a very Happy New Year and may the year ahead brings all that you could wish for...or damn near it anyway!
velvetina_belle: (Default)
I'm trying not to let it happen often but I am afraid that I have fallen into one of my depressive moods at the moment. I used to be far more depressed than this. I mean suicide attempts, crying every day untill I got to that stage where I was just numb ya know? Where I didn't feel anything, where I couldn't enjoy and seperate the good from the bad in this world. It took me a long time to climb out of that pit and I had to do it all by myself in the end. No-one stood by my side supporting me, no drugs aided me, I did it and although I sometimes wish that I'd had someone to help me I feel that I am a stronger person now because I am aware of myself in a way that I wasn't before. That being said I never want to go back to that place again and occasinally I will snap and come on here and bitch about stuff thats getting to me because its the only way to stay sane. Never ever bottle stuff up, ultimatly its making it harder on you and the fact that I never used to let out what was getting to me is part of the reason I hit the bottom and found it so hard to get myself out of the hole that ultimatly was my own creation.

So with that being said I'm on here to rant away about the stuff thats getting to me.

I have so many dreams...so many aspirations that I'm working to and yet when I sit back and look at where I want to go I wonder what the hell I'm doing and how the hell I can even imagine that I can achieve some of those goals that are so precious to me.

1. I want to be an actress.
This is my most important goal. And one of the ones that I'm having the most difficulty seeing working out. I simply love to act, put me on that stage and I am the happiest person in the room, hell sometimes it feels like in the world. Honestly I love it and I don't care if I ever become famous or not as long as I can do it. However my parents feel it is a waste of time for me to attempt to take that career path. They would like me to become qualified as a lawyer. Taking the safe option of going to a respectable university and getting a degree. Ok I'm sure it seems like the safe option but whoever got anywhere by playing it safe?

2. I want to write
Not that long a go my head was teaming with plot bunnies that I was dying to write down but simply didn't have the time to. I was doing college work, rehearsing CatCF and getting ready to direct a play. However I was confident that soon I would sit down and have a day where I could get everything written down so that I could then go on to actually start writing. However in the midst of the chaos that I was living in I got pulled aside by one of my English teachers whom I've always respected and got told "You have no writing talent what so ever and if you have any ideas of ever being published give them up" deep down I know I should turn around and say who the hell are you to say that to me and carry on the way I was but when somebody who's opinion really means a lot to you says that it isn't that easy to think 'whatever' and I haven't been able to write a single word of fiction since. Not even of my coursework that makes up 40% of my final grade.

3. I want my parents to be proud of me.
I really do. But I just know that I am going to dissapoint them. They want me to become a lawyer and like a good daughter I have applied to Uni's for a Law course. That being said I still intend to apply for Drama schools in my gap year mext year even though I know that they wont approve. Also my Mum is really ill. She often talks about what a happy sunny child I was and I can't help feeling like she's dissapointed that I've changed so much. I hit puberty aged ten and it hit me hard and I've never been the same since. She still wants me to be her little girl but I just can't be. Its not bloody possible but whenever she gives me one of those looks when I've lost my temper about something and I just have this urge to curl up and die.

4. I want to travel.
This shouldn't be a big issue but it seems to have become one the older I get. I can't travel with my parents because of my mums illness, thats fair enough. I've tried going on holiday with my friends but it just doesn't work. When I travel I want to see the Taj Mahal, the Spinx, the Vatican, the Golden Gate bridge. However all they want to do it lie around on beaches and go clubbing. Ok thats fun for a couple of dys maybe but do they seriously want to do that for two weeks? Please people get a grip you are in a different country go do things, see things that you can't do in bloody england.


That being said I don't really have much faith in my friends at the moment. Like I said before when I pulled myself up out of my depression I did it alone. My 'best friend' certainly wasn't standing by my side supporting me, neither were any of the people that I would consider to be my friend. I sometimes wonder if I should simply consider them aquaintences. I am pretty much the group agony aunt. If somebody has seemed down for a couple of days I give them a call and make sure they are ok. I get called if they have a problem and need to talk about a solution to it. Once I got a call at 1AM from a friend sobbing and I woke up, got out of bed and went to them. However I hit rock bottom for fuck knows how long and I got no support. Not one call saying 'You seem a bit down lately, anythig wrong?' hell a simple text of 'hey babe hope you are ok' would have done me. I mean seriously it wouldn't have even taken five miutes of their time to text me and make sure I was ok. And this past week I've been off college ill and not one single person has contacted me to see if I'm ok even though they know that I have some serious health issues.

Some of those people is fair enough, I'm not all that close to everybody and people do have lives. However I cannot seem to find it in me to forgive this lack of support from my best friend. I look back and think how many times have i pulled her out of the messes she's gotten herself into and how many times has she helped me and personally I find the ratio appalling. She's too busy off sleeping with as many men as she can find to contact me and ask whats going on. I think I'm also sour slightly towards her because there is this guy that I kind of like and have done for about five years now and he's completly crazy over my friend. She knows I like him and she knows he likes her but she keeps on flirting with him even though she has no intention of ever having a realationship with him. It doesn't help that she is very very pretty and I'm well...not. Theres more I could say about her but in reality however much i write down isn't going to help the betrayal I'm feeling.

There is more as to whats getting to me at the moment but talking more and thinking about it more won't help at this point. So until a little while later when hopefully I will be back to my happier self.

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velvetina_belle

June 2011

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