Is it even worth dreaming?

[velvetina_belle]

I'm trying not to let it happen often but I am afraid that I have fallen into one of my depressive moods at the moment. I used to be far more depressed than this. I mean suicide attempts, crying every day untill I got to that stage where I was just numb ya know? Where I didn't feel anything, where I couldn't enjoy and seperate the good from the bad in this world. It took me a long time to climb out of that pit and I had to do it all by myself in the end. No-one stood by my side supporting me, no drugs aided me, I did it and although I sometimes wish that I'd had someone to help me I feel that I am a stronger person now because I am aware of myself in a way that I wasn't before. That being said I never want to go back to that place again and occasinally I will snap and come on here and bitch about stuff thats getting to me because its the only way to stay sane. Never ever bottle stuff up, ultimatly its making it harder on you and the fact that I never used to let out what was getting to me is part of the reason I hit the bottom and found it so hard to get myself out of the hole that ultimatly was my own creation.

So with that being said I'm on here to rant away about the stuff thats getting to me.

I have so many dreams...so many aspirations that I'm working to and yet when I sit back and look at where I want to go I wonder what the hell I'm doing and how the hell I can even imagine that I can achieve some of those goals that are so precious to me.

1. I want to be an actress.
This is my most important goal. And one of the ones that I'm having the most difficulty seeing working out. I simply love to act, put me on that stage and I am the happiest person in the room, hell sometimes it feels like in the world. Honestly I love it and I don't care if I ever become famous or not as long as I can do it. However my parents feel it is a waste of time for me to attempt to take that career path. They would like me to become qualified as a lawyer. Taking the safe option of going to a respectable university and getting a degree. Ok I'm sure it seems like the safe option but whoever got anywhere by playing it safe?

2. I want to write
Not that long a go my head was teaming with plot bunnies that I was dying to write down but simply didn't have the time to. I was doing college work, rehearsing CatCF and getting ready to direct a play. However I was confident that soon I would sit down and have a day where I could get everything written down so that I could then go on to actually start writing. However in the midst of the chaos that I was living in I got pulled aside by one of my English teachers whom I've always respected and got told "You have no writing talent what so ever and if you have any ideas of ever being published give them up" deep down I know I should turn around and say who the hell are you to say that to me and carry on the way I was but when somebody who's opinion really means a lot to you says that it isn't that easy to think 'whatever' and I haven't been able to write a single word of fiction since. Not even of my coursework that makes up 40% of my final grade.

3. I want my parents to be proud of me.
I really do. But I just know that I am going to dissapoint them. They want me to become a lawyer and like a good daughter I have applied to Uni's for a Law course. That being said I still intend to apply for Drama schools in my gap year mext year even though I know that they wont approve. Also my Mum is really ill. She often talks about what a happy sunny child I was and I can't help feeling like she's dissapointed that I've changed so much. I hit puberty aged ten and it hit me hard and I've never been the same since. She still wants me to be her little girl but I just can't be. Its not bloody possible but whenever she gives me one of those looks when I've lost my temper about something and I just have this urge to curl up and die.

4. I want to travel.
This shouldn't be a big issue but it seems to have become one the older I get. I can't travel with my parents because of my mums illness, thats fair enough. I've tried going on holiday with my friends but it just doesn't work. When I travel I want to see the Taj Mahal, the Spinx, the Vatican, the Golden Gate bridge. However all they want to do it lie around on beaches and go clubbing. Ok thats fun for a couple of dys maybe but do they seriously want to do that for two weeks? Please people get a grip you are in a different country go do things, see things that you can't do in bloody england.


That being said I don't really have much faith in my friends at the moment. Like I said before when I pulled myself up out of my depression I did it alone. My 'best friend' certainly wasn't standing by my side supporting me, neither were any of the people that I would consider to be my friend. I sometimes wonder if I should simply consider them aquaintences. I am pretty much the group agony aunt. If somebody has seemed down for a couple of days I give them a call and make sure they are ok. I get called if they have a problem and need to talk about a solution to it. Once I got a call at 1AM from a friend sobbing and I woke up, got out of bed and went to them. However I hit rock bottom for fuck knows how long and I got no support. Not one call saying 'You seem a bit down lately, anythig wrong?' hell a simple text of 'hey babe hope you are ok' would have done me. I mean seriously it wouldn't have even taken five miutes of their time to text me and make sure I was ok. And this past week I've been off college ill and not one single person has contacted me to see if I'm ok even though they know that I have some serious health issues.

Some of those people is fair enough, I'm not all that close to everybody and people do have lives. However I cannot seem to find it in me to forgive this lack of support from my best friend. I look back and think how many times have i pulled her out of the messes she's gotten herself into and how many times has she helped me and personally I find the ratio appalling. She's too busy off sleeping with as many men as she can find to contact me and ask whats going on. I think I'm also sour slightly towards her because there is this guy that I kind of like and have done for about five years now and he's completly crazy over my friend. She knows I like him and she knows he likes her but she keeps on flirting with him even though she has no intention of ever having a realationship with him. It doesn't help that she is very very pretty and I'm well...not. Theres more I could say about her but in reality however much i write down isn't going to help the betrayal I'm feeling.

There is more as to whats getting to me at the moment but talking more and thinking about it more won't help at this point. So until a little while later when hopefully I will be back to my happier self.

Comments

[st-minority.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you need some comfort. I'm here for you, as you offered me. :D

All that you said pretty much resounds with me. You touched upon some things that hit directly with me. Your first dream of wanting to be an actress is mine too. Being on the stage is a wonderful place, you're absolutely right. It's so exhilirating and a good rush. And you get to meet a lot of cool people. I haven't told my parents my plan yet. I plan to go to a community college for two years, then ship out to California to move in with my friend (who would be living out there for two years already because she went to comm. college for 2 yrs, getting out there at the time I go to college) who wants nothing but to be an actress. She's devoted to it. I've been telling myself that even if I'm not an actress, I'd love to get involved with tech work on movies and stage. Still, I have to tell my parents this next summer, and I'm kind of scared.
But I suggest this to you: Do what you want. Do what makes you truly happy. If you don't you'll regret it. It's for the rest of your life. Do you want to be in a job that doesn't make you the most happiest person in the world? Think about that.

If you want to write, write. That comment the teacher said to you was a pretty low blow. But don't prove them right. Just say this: Fuck them. I like to write, and I'm going to write. Start with simple things that get the creative juices flowing. A short poem, short story, writing about a good memory you have. Reading helps also - get exposed to new words! :D (love vocabulary). At one point or another, everyone feels their work is crap. I do. I looked at my fic the other day and wondered "Why do people like this? It's not good. There are plenty of better ones than mine." Truth is, that feeling is always going to come 'round. And it got me terribly down. But then there's a spark and you like your work again. You enjoy the process of writing. Just try sitting down for maybe just five or ten minutes, have a piece of paper and a pen in front of you, and see what happens. Write anything down that comes to mind.

Parents being proud - I know that one well. Disappointing them is a great fear of mine. They have certain expectations, and you want to meet them, but sometimes you can't. My parents want me to be first chair first violin in my orchestra, but I don't. You have to play by yourself in class sometimes, know how to play the music well first time, and all this other stuff, and I can't handle that. They want you to succeed. But you should set your own expectations and such and meet those. They love you, remember that. :)

Traveling is hard for me. Hee hee. Being in a landlock state isn't all much fun. There's not much to see here in KS, and we never really travel much. A shame. I love all the places you mentioned of seeing. That would be awesome! :D

I am right there with you on the friends issue. I'm still pretty down, and none of my friends have bothered coming up to me at school or calling me to see what's up. And maybe it's because I put on such a good happy mask that it doesn't show. And I don't like talking. I do bottle things up just because I hate dumping on others. One of my friends came over at 9:00 at night and was on the verge of tears. Turns out, she was for sure she was pregnant. She regretted ever doing the deed. But I was there for her. I listened to her. But I made one mention of cutting myself to her over AIM one day a week later, and she talked to me a little bit, but then I didn't get a call or she didn't ask me at school, nothing. I could have ripped my fucking wrist or arm right open and easily hide it with a long sleeved shirt and she wouldn't know. But she knows I thought about doing such a thing. I know what it feels like to be the sort of "counselor" "advice giver" of friends. But it would be good if someone else could do that for you. I wish I wouldn't have to ask, but I guess I do. *shrugs*

Pull yourself back up darling. You've done it before, you can do it again. :) Just know that I'm here for you too, even if I'm quite unstable at the moment as well. :D

[theidolhands.livejournal.com]

I sometimes think my stuff isn't that hot either and wonder what the heck I'm doing with my time. *laughs* I've really enjoyed meeting/engaging with so many like-minded people though. I feel SO much less lonely now. I never would have guessed there were such a nice cluster of people like me out there. I want to find even more.

Secret plans that will piss off your parents, huh? *chuckles* Actually, they sound like pretty good plans. I think you are too bright/curious for where you live. Go ahead and come to California. Why not? The advice I gave to Velvitina works just as well for you. I also think that by leaving your comfort zone - you will learn more about yourself and you seem like a person who won't have to worry about all they have left behind. You will feel like you are moving more towards something than away from it. You are lucky to have that friend and I hope it works out.

May I suggest that you put some of that self-mutilation energy to good use and get yourself some piercings or a tatoo. Wait, you're too young for that huh? Mmnn...well, I think cutting feels pretty good. Awesome release, but I refuse to do it anymore. It takes strength to shove it down and I'm not particularly proud of it. It solves nothing. I actually try to put that same energy into cleaning and organizing stuff. Well, I used to (looks at sloppy apartment). It made me feel like even if I couldn't really fix anything about my situation that I could improve something even something small. I also like to turn to old works of creativity. Various projects. I work hard to turn the negative energy positive. That gets easier with practice and belief. Belief that you can be stronger, that although you can not always control what is handed to you in life, you can control how you react to it.

You must count your blessings. Especially the small ones - the breaths, the functioning legs, the marvelous brain, the country of your birth (especiallly as a woman), at times it won't feel like it...but possibilities abound! Even in Kansas. *smiles* Everyday you have a chance to touch a life. You must not give and expect to receive. Better not to give. The pregnant girl is not a friend - she is a person with more problems than she knows how to handle, so she can not bear the burden of yours. She is weak, hence the unprotected sex and pregnancy. I do hope she is at least considering abortion. It is STILL an option and she could not let ONE mistake affect the rest of her life. Too many young women are keeping the babies out of lonlyness or fear or I don't know. I say get a puppy. Babies grow up. They are HUMANS. The more a person HAS emotionally and financially, the better a parent they will be. We have so many young, poor parents now. *sigh...*

You must forgive in general. That is another key. Do not weigh yourself down. Follow your path true; let people join as they choose, be grateful for their presense, but do not curse them when they leave. You can only control you. You may also be surprised how such people may or may not drift back into your life. Accept them back if you choose, but do it on your terms. The sense of knowledge and control will be of a great comfort to you. Do not welcome back those who you do not wish to.

[velvetina-wonka.livejournal.com]

Oh my, It was great to see this reply. You really can relate to everything and its great when someone can understand, although naturally I'd never wish misery on anyone at all espesh not someone as sweet as you.


I am determind to go for acting. I love it so much words cannot describe and even if I don't end up acting I would want to be a director because that would give me the same sort of thrill that writing does. Good for you going for it too.

Just in general thank you so so much for the support. I really needed it and I'm sure that you and I can lean on each other and support each other until we are both stable and I will always be here to talk if you need it *hug* Go us!

BIG HUG (warning I hug rather tightly)

[theidolhands.livejournal.com]

1. You are young only once. You deserve to fail before you give up. Do you know how lucky you are to have discovered a passion so young in life? Very lucky. Passion is the key. You have a giant key to the universe right there.

2. Being bad at writing never stopped anyone. Check out the mary-sue madness at fanfiction.net. OK, let's pretend you suck. SO? So, you suck. That still doesn't mean you can't get joy from doing it. Joy counts. And for what it counts you write some of the best friggin' reviews around. In my experience, a person who can intelligently, emotionally, and thoroughly express themselves probably has some amount of talent for writing. As far as being the next Stephen King. Well...OK, so you're not Stephen King or whomever she considers good. Do you know how many lousy artists there are in the world? Doesn't stop them either. Hey, how about sloppy drunks? Doesn't stop them either! Just kidding.

Your teacher's words would have hit me hard too, but she is someone you respect so I won't get all mad on her.

3. Ah...p-p-bler- Yes, well, we all know Willy's opinion on that matter. Here's the thing. Your parents give you the gift of LIFE. This is your LIFE and you have to live it for YOU. Your parents must want you to be HAPPY. They are worried about you being able to support yourself. Natural, but they shouldn't squash your dreams - life is more than happy to do that for you. It is hard to find the confidence to go bravely into new territority without that vote. Life and my parents weren't terribly encouraging for me there either. However, I have always enjoyed it as a hobby. When I stopped...the drinking began. Don't stop creating and discovering new things about yourself.

Happy you = unhappy parents
Happy parents = Unhappy you

That's no good and needs to be cleared up with them. However, hard as it is, you keep right on loving them and making your own choices. It's OK, you are allowed to do that. Let them worry about their own emotions. You worry about you.

4. I travel through books and music and food. I haven't had much chance to do that either, but the imagination is a wonderful thing. Even exploring little neighborhoods or nearby cities in your own communities can feel like traveling. You simply wish to explore. There are many ways to do that.

Best friends who suck. My oh my, I could prattle on about that for quite a while. I have SO been in your shoes. Uh..fuck her. Focus on YOURSELF and what you want in life. Consider those people going by the wayside a wierd gift. You see, now you CAN focus on such things without the obligations of other people getting in the way. I really have been in that situation and I thought the same thing...couldn't one person offer to go to coffee or something? It's a sign that you are maturing and your friends aren't keeping up I believe. You are on your way to a new path. That is scary, but it is also exciting. There is a world of people and experiences, but the most important person that you need is...you; confidence in yourself and your goals so that you are so content with that you don't even notice or miss the others. A few good friends are nice, but not ones who have done what yours did. I would ignore them the next time they call or bother you with their problems. Focus on yourself for a while. You could try to confront them, but it probably won't work. I'd move on.

One last squeeze

[theidolhands.livejournal.com]

P.S. If you DO decide to become a lawyer, you have failed no one. As a matter of a fact, it can be difficult to know where ones gifts will come in handy. Courtroom lawyers DO a form of acting, even consulting with clients can require that talent. I know retail does. Good lord does it. Anywho, you might find something in law that you can live with, but I'd love for you to pursue acting. That little boy of yours saying "I love you" is a pretty big sign to me. You're his Wonka! See, why MJ gets his inspiration from children? It's all that new and pure energy. I really try to hold on to that myself. Kids believe that anything is possible and...so do I. I don't care how many times they tell me otherwise. I won't live in that world.

Contrary to what most people say...life is long. I always say that. You have time to still pursue your dreams, but you get a very good shot when you are young. I HAD to work in my young adult life and I have forced myself day in and day out through many jobs that bored me silly. I would like to see you avoid that.

CD Recommendation: Egyption Nursery "God's Window" Album (it's in English with a little French) Jazz/New Age

Re:squeeze back

[velvetina-wonka.livejournal.com]

Thank You so much *wipes eyes* I don't mind that you hug tightly. Thats one things I've needed over the past few days and no-ones given me one but you.
I'm feeling all emotional at the moment which I loathe but the best way to get rid of it is to express it.

Thanks for the boost about the writing. You are so right, I guess I needed someone else whos opinions I respect to knock some sense into me and to remind me the joy of writing is what matters. And with my reviews I just try to express what the writer has done for me and throw up the ideas that come to me because I think it helps to see if your audience are heading in the direction you want them too, or hell even highlight a great new things that you hadn't thought of.

Hey I sure as hell don't respect her now. Seriously you don't just come out and say that to a student, seriously if I hadn't had people like you cheering me up it could have seriously screwed up my coursework and made me miss out on the grade i deserve.

Go Willy. As far as I'm concerened hes right about the whole parents thing. Hell he can have my whole family as far as I'm concerned. Today I had a family gathering for my grandads birthday and I felt so out of place because I'm so different to the rest of them. Its just so uncomfertable.

With my friends, espesh my sucky best friend, I'm just working on the principle that in six months I won't have to see them again. They'll be off to Uni and I'll be on my gap year. And even if some of them are also on a gap year I'm hoping to find work in America...although I'm not sure thats far enough away. *laughs*

I'm sure law is a fascinating subject. And I have been to several lectures on it and all of the aspects of law are pretty ok its just not...what I want. But really who knows where I go. I may not get into the Guildhall and end up doing Law and realising that its what is best for me. I can only look foward and hope that I like where I end up.

Ah Matt. I love that kid. I adore that I am his Willy Wonka (I did try to reply to the post where you first mentioned that but it wouldn't let me send it *shurgs*) and he really is my Charlie. I am really not fond of kids but Matthew really was special and warmed my heart. Great kid.

I'll check out that Cd. Once again Thank you