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Hey guys, a little while a go I promised St Minority that I would send her my old coursework that was based on one of our mutal fave songs 'Boulevard of broken dreams' I have attempted to send it to her but I'm not sure it got through. Hope you enjoy it St Min

Monologue: Broken dreams

Lights come up as music starts to play. We see Catalina, a 19-year-old girl studying medicine at university as a major with Psychology as a minor. She looks like the typical teenager, with long brown hair and clothing typical of her age.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

It’s already the end of March; it doesn’t seem like three months since the New Year. I’d gone back to university a couple of weeks early so most people weren’t back yet. They had all gone on holiday with their friends and wanted to stay on holiday as long as possible I guess. No one asked me to go on holiday with them so, I went home instead. To be truthful, I couldn’t stand being with my family to long. Mother was all over Elizabeth as usual. (Pause and insert music to set mood) Elizabeth’s my sister. She’s just started her A-level year and she’s doing ’arty’ subjects, you know, Media, Art, Drama and Music. Now all I hear about is ‘Isn’t it wonderful that Eliza is doing four subjects at A-level. You remember that you only did three.’ I’d sit there and think, ‘of course I remember mother never mind that my subjects had been Psychology, English and Biology’. I did subjects that father insisted on because they were ‘worthwhile’ subjects as he phrased it. Talking about Father he’s been no use, then again he never was, he’s either doing business with associates or sucking up to his business associates. (Pause) After the Family dinner on Boxing Day I left; I think the sight of Aunt Helen trying to kiss Father in her drunken state was what finally drove me to leaving but with that lot who can tell? Anyway I decided to put my time to good use. I finished off all of the work that I had been set over the holidays; it took longer than I thought it would. I just found it hard to get enthused about cardiovascular systems.

walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

I’ve managed to get a job now at a Karaoke club as a waitress. I love working at the club. I get to work with a team that I love, it’s all girls there. I don’t talk about my life much but I’m more than happy to listen to others. It’s actually surprising how many talented people there are, I’d love to get up there and sing myself but I can’t. I always wanted to be a singer until one day Mother said to me ‘Catalina stop that awful caterwauling I’m trying to get Eliza ready to have her hair done.’ I’ve never sung again since. Well that’s not important now, if I continue on with my studies I can get a real job. The main reason behind getting a job is that I want some of my own money, I hate sponging of Mother and Father. I want to be an independent woman.

(Go to black- Music starts to play again)

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

February was a disaster. Going back to school was harder than I thought it was going to be. For the first two weeks, I was sent to the local hospital to see how things were run etc. This in turn meant I didn’t have any psychology for two weeks. I was worried about missing all that work in psychology but Professor Celeron said to me “Don’t worry about the work. Professor Sturbridge has been informed and will set aside some sheets and notes for you.” Although this was great it meant that I’ve been working non-stop. Luckily though Professor Sturbridge said that he didn’t need to go through it one on one with me. Teacher, student one on one talks make me nervous…its suddenly so cold in here.

Pulls on cardigan

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

March went quickly enough. I guess that what they say is true; time really does go quicker when you’re busy. I joined a group that meets on Wednesday nights and we have a good time. We get to talk about everything and get what’s happened off our chests. One of the girls said to me, “You’re crazy. You should go to the police” I just told her, I have no faith in the police and I can deal with it on my own.
The work has been gradually getting harder in psychology. I really ought to go to Professor Sturbridge but like I said the whole one-on-one thing bothers me, I’m sure all I need to do is study harder. I got asked out on a date for tonight but I turned him down, dating seems wrong to me now. There was a time that I’d have jumped at the chance but I’ve changed.

Go to black

Lights come up on Catalina sitting at her desk.

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

April ended along with another a trip home. Elizabeth’s birthday was on Easter Sunday so a couple of weeks before I got this call from Mother demanding my presence. I don’t know why she bothered I spent most of my holiday in the spare room doing work or sitting on the settee thinking that I should be doing work. It wasn’t as though anyone noticed I was there, I didn’t even get an Easter egg, I think I’m meant to be above that sort of thing now. I left as soon as was possible, it was great to get back to my dorm room with its peace and quiet, no one ever bothers me. I don’t understand how everyone feels ok to go out partying every night, where do they get the time? I spend every night that I’m not working in my room studying or doing essays. Why aren’t I able to concentrate on the work anymore? Every time it comes to handing a piece of work in I feel ill because I know it isn’t as good as it should be.

Moving on. May and June were confusing to say the least. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I can’t stop feeling like I’m being watched. Wherever I go I can feel eyes watching me, it’s not a pleasant feeling either it makes me shudder. I tried calling mother for comfort but the first time all I got was, “Darling you’re a paranoid person, after all think of what you thought you psychology Professor did to you last Christmas and we all know it wasn’t true” I called again later when the feeling didn’t go away but this time Father actually picked up the phone and he told me in his booming voice “I thought I had raised you to be a sensible child, do you want to disappoint me?” All I wanted to do was snap back ‘you didn’t raise me at all you never cared enough’ but no I had to be weak and mumble ‘sorry father’ before hanging up. Maybe they’re right though. Maybe I am paranoid, maybe I am a disappointment. Maybe I should never have had dreams...maybe I was born to be weak.

Go to black

Lights come up on Catalina in a state e.g. Mascara running down her face

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

It’s the third of December. Broke up yesterday and I just had to go to that stupid end of term party. It happened again. All I can do now is scream mentally ‘why?’

Can’t tell anyone. No-one believed me last time. Why would they now?

I know now what everyone’s been trying to tell me...

I’m worthless...I have nothing left...

Nothing but broken dreams

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

Yes I did write this peice when I was going through my depression, and expressing it kind of helped me at the time...also if you can't figure out what happened to her feel free to ask unless of course you are happy leaving it ambigous.

Ok well last you heard from me I was stressing over my examinations...well I have one left on next friday and then I am done. But I've also been having a hard time with my psychology teacher at the moment. We are doing coursework and because I've had hospital appointments or been sick I've missed a few lessons. So over the xmas holidays I caught up with everything and handed it into her last tuesday so that she could make some comments on it so I could improve it for when it was due to be handed in (last friday) and she had a massive go at me for missing deadlines and when I told her it was because I was ill she said to me "Well you shouldn't be so ill" and when I defended myself by saying I don't choose to be ill she got all pissy with me and told me that I was going to fail. Then to top it off she refused to give my work back to me to correct because I hadn't given it in on the proper dead line...stupid fucking cow. I actually hate her and want her to drop off the edge of this fucking planet...seriously if my grade drops because of that bitch I am going to be fucked off....or even more so, as shown by the various amounts of swear words creeping in i guess its obvious I'm pissed....sorry about that.

My best friends 'transformation' is once again taking a turn for the downside so screw that bitch too. I'm fed up of being bitched on, screwed over and generally put down. The bastards can just find themselves someone else to piss with because I have had enough.

The guy that came crying for help came back about a week ago and I've been in such a snit lately that I just said "Why don't you go hang yourself, I'm not going to tell you that you've done nothing wrong because you have and I refuse to have you in my house. The world will be a better place without you"

The 'player' who was pissing me off also got the sharp end of my temper. Thank you so much for the advice you gave Idol Hands, I would never have played him but because he could believe I was turning him down he just kept hassiling me. So I told him to shove terms not suitable to type down.

I don't lose my temper all that often but this past week has been enough just to make me blow! So I'm sorry that I've vented liked this but if I didn't I would go it is I am afraid that this week has been spent panicking, drinking more than is good for me (which I never do), smoking...which I hate that I've resorted to because I honestly think its a terrible habit 'n' I've never actually smoked before this week and just wishing the whole thing was over with so that I could piss off to America and not see these bastards again.

....and so ends my rant. Sorry. I hoep you enjoyed the monologue St Minority. Now I am off to go listen to some soothing music.

*pours a cup of hot tea*

Date: 2006-01-15 01:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I really had a feeling that each one of those situations would go downhill at some point, but I crossed my fingers that it wouldn't all be at the same time. I'm sorry for all of that, but you handled all of it wonderfully. You stood your ground and dealt with things on your terms. I grinned really wide about what you said to the guy who is trying to get yet another female to bail him out of his problems. Foolish, foolish player - he's gonna be thinking about this for a bit, but then he'll move on to a pretty thing to take his mind off of his "woes". Still, I bet you gave him a couple of sleepless nights of introspection. Which I'm sure e needed. I feel the worst about your friend but your words there made sense too. I feel so much stronger since I stopped wondering why certain people didn't care. It also allows room for people who do give a hoot about you to move in (not to mention creative juices).

Maybe it's better that it all happened at once, perhaps having your dander all worked up gave you the strength to tell them all off. Believe it or not, sometimes people REALLY need to be told off. One of those folks, once they get over it (if they even need to - I wonder how much they truly liked YOU) may very well thank you.

Give Matt a call if only to cheer yourself up. Spend time with some favorite things of your childhood; get in touch with your inner soul. You're going to be fine. After all, these were other people's stupidities not your own. Yer a good nut.

*drinks deeply*

Date: 2006-01-15 12:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I am actually sipping from a cup of nice relaxing tea.

I guess in my heart I kind of knew that it wasn't really going to go well. I am really a very cynical person and have very little faith in human nature in general. Occasionally you are able to meet someone who proves you the moment I know a couple and it makes me feel slightly better. However I think I want to be able to trust people which has the measure of making me slightly gullible as I so desperatly want to believe that people really do need the help and support I'm offering, rather than simply using me. Its been a hard lesson to learn.

Yes looking back I hope that what I said to that guy did kind of kick some sense into him. So what if i was harsh, its prob. what he needed. Lol yes the player...well he's stopped hassiling me and resorted to giving me a few odd looks but in general he's been alot quieter than he used to be and several people have commented on it. With my friend I have just totally given up, I cannot be bothered. Yes it hurts but I will get over it an realise that I wasn't really ever her friend.

As for them in general. I am moving on and sticking to my five close friends who (even though there weren't there through the worst of it) have stuck by me since, been there when I needed them etc Other than that I really can't be bothered. It also felt great to get out all my built up anger.

Actually after reading this I did call up Matt and we chatted and it turns out he's got a bakers day tomorrow which means he's not in school and I only have one lesson so we're meeting up, his moms gonna drop him off and I'm gonna take him out and spoil him. Also to make myself feel better I've re-read the first Harry Potter, I've talked about the soothing qualities that book has on me before in a previous post. Thank you very much and you are a good nut too.

Re: *drinks deeply*

Date: 2006-01-15 02:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh also I wanted to thank you for the recommendation of God's Window by Egyptian Nursery. Its great!

Tell Matt I said "Hi!"

Date: 2006-01-16 04:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I was very glad to read this! It didn't show up in my e-mail. I guess Live Journal is still having a problem with that. So, I happened to be skimming my FL posts and found this. I was so surprised to see your music! I'm very glad you like, since I have unusual & ecclectic tastes. That album always soothed me though. I also liked one called: Devonsquare, "Walking On Ice" and David Bowie was always there for me too. Here is one of the few things (aside from Michael Jackson) that makes me feel better about the human race and our place in it.

All right, I have to get back to writing the next chapter of "Is It Scary". It's full of interesting surprises as usual.


People are often unreasonable,
illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest anyway.

What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Re: Tell Matt I said "Hi!"

Date: 2006-01-16 08:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I love that poem.

*Matt waves*

Date: 2006-01-16 11:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah. My email often misses when someone posts and then I check on them and I'm like, darn it!

Anyway I love the album! Love it love it love it. Its soothes me, chills me and generally helps. *Glomp* Thank you so much for the recommendation. It took me forever to find it, I had to order it from America in the end, however it is right up my street.

Lol Matt said to tell you when I reply to say 'Hello' and that you sound like a 'cool cat'. Yes his words not mine. Lol and Yes I've talked about you to him today. Actually considering his age we had a very serious chat today. I mean we had fun doing games and stuff, ya know the junk that kids do. When we got back to my place we started watching a movie (go on guess which one) and I suddenly remembered to say Hi from you. And he remembered that you were the one I thanked during the play. And so it led to lots of questions about how I knew you. And I explained that I belonged to a site where we could write up our thoughts, a bit like a diary, and meet people and that you were a person that I met and chatted to. He was like cool. Then he said 'Do you mind hanging out with me when I'm so much younger than you' and we had to have a talk about how of course I didn't mind and that he'd better hurry up and grow up so I could marry him. It seemed to please him and we finished watching the movie. Then later on he was on the main computer playing a game and I was on my laptop reading the latest installment of 'is it scary' and I burst out laughing and Matt was determined to know what caught my mind and I explained that is was something you'd written, slight mistake because the imp insisted on seeing what it was. And the particular scene was Mr Buckets dream, maybe not the best bit to introduce Matt to my reading preferences. I told him he could see it in a couple of years, he pouted and insisted that he wanted to see but went back to the game. Teach me to read your work with Matt around...and yes I have babbled again havent I? Ah well I'm sure you arethe one person on this earth who would enjoy reading about that.

Wow. Thank you for putting that up. I'd never had the pleasure of reading that before and it is just so beautiful, that really warms my heart and gives me some of my faith back. I'm gonna print that out and keep it near me to remind me.

*Idol Hands (hides all the porn) and waves back*

Date: 2006-01-17 08:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Of course I enjoyed EVERY word of that, but not because it was partially about me. It was because you were happy and you found a TRUE friend in a person much younger than yourself who is feeling comfortable opening up to you. Don't fool yourself, it can be hard to remember, but our minds worked pretty well at 10 years old. Life was a mystery to us and we struggled to figure it out before sheer hormones and heavier, darker emotions were known to us. There's plenty of childhood innocence left, but there is a lot of intellect and curiousity as well. In our society, in all likeliness, the years that he will feel comfortable getting comfortable close to a girl are limited. Since he is involved in theature, he may stay sensitive longer. *crosses fingers* Like I said, you're serving as a bit of hero to him. Guess which movie? That's so funny. So, he doesn't get tired of it either huh? Has he seen the first one? He might like The Wiz too. That was the African American version of the Wizard of Oz with Michael Jackson as the scarecrow. OH, and I bet he'd like Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal.

Of course he wanted to read what you were reading! Adults get to do ALL the cool stuff and he wants to enjoy whatever you enjoy. That's part of hero worship. *laughs* Hmm... *then thinks* I can't believe you did read it in front of him! I think your portrayal of Willy Wonka rubbed off on you a great deal! *laughs again* Sneaky you. I AM glad that that scene provoked the appropriate sardonic chuckle. Ya saw what I was getting at with that, huh? I did worry about it. People were going to be, "Dear Lord it finally happened, Idol Hands lost their mind". Oh no, I did work to make it enjoyable, but there was more of a point as opposed to a kink to it. Though I think Charlie in a candystriper outfit could short-circuit my cuteness barometor. HOW did I get into little boys dressed as little girls? *shakes head* I blame [ profile] wonkaslash!!

Matt MAY read the first chapter of the story (that's nice and G-rated). I believe that one is safe. The next few may be too emotional for him to understand and it will leave him dying to know what the small metal object is. *ahem* At any rate, I bet he likes the way Wonka is scary too. Hm, hope he doesn't going looking on the net for me. Hey, there could be lots of folks who call themselves IDOL HANDS. *whistles* You could also tell him about The Mouse and The Dragon with a bit of editing (no kiss). "Bedfellows" is a term used in Shakespeare so I think that is safe. The best G-rated Wonka fic I know is called Being a Big Brother and is at - I don't think it would be much above his head. The author is 16 years old and bursting with imagination. It's a lot like "Is It Scary" in its variety, but minus "the naughty bits" and the darkness is about coffee colored to my medium grey so far. I think I'm grey, not "black".

Goody, goody, you hadn't seen the poem and you liked it! That was exactly how I felt when I first read it at my best friend's shiatsu palor. My friend's father had a large framed version of it that he no longer used (since his restaurant closed) and so it was given to me as a gift. I was so pleased. It hangs in my kitchen and I look at it every day. It is attributed to Mother Terresa, but she actually FOUND it already transcribed on a hut in one of the many villages that she worked in. She DID spread its popularity, but the true author is unknown and I like it all the more for that.

OK, I DID get this in my e-mail and now that I've thoroughly responded to it. I can have pleasent dreams. I think I'll read my reviews tomarrow.

Re: *steals porn and whistles*

Date: 2006-01-17 05:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah, seeing Matt really brightened up my week...but do you know what the little sod 'forgot' to tell me?? He's going to be in my play!!! *dances* thats right I get to work with Matt again, I have been unbearabley hyper ever since I got a phone call about it today. And I get to see him in roughly two and a half hours. I can't beleive he didn't tell me his mom had said yes...oh he is so dead for making me worried lol. Yeah his mind works just fine, I swear he's more devious than me....sneaky guy. Gawd I'm hoping that his hormones don't hit him too soon because I want this friendship to keep this ease and last for a long time yet. But like you said hopefully the theatre world with keep him cool, untill he realises that he's a star and everyone adores him. Hehe no he never tires of it, its kinda become our thing now and I say Willy's lines and he says Charlies. We can recite it from heart now...which is what I'll be doing tonight. Oh he adores Labyrinth, so do I. Totally amazing film. I'll keep my eye out for The Wiz though cos I've never seen it.

Ah what it is to be adored *fluffs hair* lol, I won't let it go to my head quite yet. Yes I do get to read all of the cool stuff, mwahaha. *Coughs* Yes I can't quite believe that i read it while he was here either, not the smartest thing I've done but I saw it was up and I couldn't wait!! He was happily playing a game and I normally can control my reactions. And yes I really have become more like Willy Wonka than I was before. But I don't see that as a bad thing, its opened up my mind and thought patterns in spectacular ways. Hehe yes I got what ya were getting at. Hmm I was kinda speculating a bit more about that in the review I left was even better before the stupid computer wiped it *grumble* Nah ya lost your mind ages ago my dear, its what makes you so good to chat ta, us nuts should stick together! Lol yes Wonkaslash is to blame for most things running through my head at the moment and the way I now watch the movie....I love it *wink*

Yeah I'm thinking he could read that. He's still at the age where he doesn't really understand the concept of slash - or so it seems- but I think he could appreciate the relationship between Wonka and Charlie whilst not telling his mother, which may get me into trouble...*sigh* thats the trouble with most 'grownups' their minds are so closed. Yeah, I'll see how he goes with some of that stuff. Lol go me, being a true Willy Wonka figure. Argh, I got kicked off yesterday, meanies lol.

Ah that poem was just, wonderful. It got me all emotional and the message it send out is just wonderful. I have now printed it out and I am gonna get it framed as soon as possible so that it reminds me. Lol yeah once I read it i did some research and I was amazed by the stuff I found, just wow!

Woot, yay for email. I hope that you had pleasent dreams.

Date: 2006-01-16 01:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That was a good monologue. Kept me hooked. I liked it. Really depressing though! But it was well written. Go you! :D

I'm sorry about how things are going in your personal life though. Hopefully they'll turn out alright. I just had a smoke the other day in the backyard. Things got to be too much and finally I broke down and said "I need a fucking cigarette!" It was the first one in several months, so. But then the house smelled like cotton candy perfume and a hint of smoke after I sprayed it down. Nice. LOL.

Date: 2006-01-16 11:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Aww yay glad you liked it. Yes I did warn that it was depressing but that kind of goes with the song. I'm proud of it in general :D

Aww yeah. We both seem to be having a crap time. As the saying goes 'Lifes a bitch and then you die' and in my experiance its all true! LOL


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