Is it even worth dreaming?
Dec. 3rd, 2005 04:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
velvetina_belleI'm trying not to let it happen often but I am afraid that I have fallen into one of my depressive moods at the moment. I used to be far more depressed than this. I mean suicide attempts, crying every day untill I got to that stage where I was just numb ya know? Where I didn't feel anything, where I couldn't enjoy and seperate the good from the bad in this world. It took me a long time to climb out of that pit and I had to do it all by myself in the end. No-one stood by my side supporting me, no drugs aided me, I did it and although I sometimes wish that I'd had someone to help me I feel that I am a stronger person now because I am aware of myself in a way that I wasn't before. That being said I never want to go back to that place again and occasinally I will snap and come on here and bitch about stuff thats getting to me because its the only way to stay sane. Never ever bottle stuff up, ultimatly its making it harder on you and the fact that I never used to let out what was getting to me is part of the reason I hit the bottom and found it so hard to get myself out of the hole that ultimatly was my own creation.
So with that being said I'm on here to rant away about the stuff thats getting to me.
I have so many dreams...so many aspirations that I'm working to and yet when I sit back and look at where I want to go I wonder what the hell I'm doing and how the hell I can even imagine that I can achieve some of those goals that are so precious to me.
1. I want to be an actress.
This is my most important goal. And one of the ones that I'm having the most difficulty seeing working out. I simply love to act, put me on that stage and I am the happiest person in the room, hell sometimes it feels like in the world. Honestly I love it and I don't care if I ever become famous or not as long as I can do it. However my parents feel it is a waste of time for me to attempt to take that career path. They would like me to become qualified as a lawyer. Taking the safe option of going to a respectable university and getting a degree. Ok I'm sure it seems like the safe option but whoever got anywhere by playing it safe?
2. I want to write
Not that long a go my head was teaming with plot bunnies that I was dying to write down but simply didn't have the time to. I was doing college work, rehearsing CatCF and getting ready to direct a play. However I was confident that soon I would sit down and have a day where I could get everything written down so that I could then go on to actually start writing. However in the midst of the chaos that I was living in I got pulled aside by one of my English teachers whom I've always respected and got told "You have no writing talent what so ever and if you have any ideas of ever being published give them up" deep down I know I should turn around and say who the hell are you to say that to me and carry on the way I was but when somebody who's opinion really means a lot to you says that it isn't that easy to think 'whatever' and I haven't been able to write a single word of fiction since. Not even of my coursework that makes up 40% of my final grade.
3. I want my parents to be proud of me.
I really do. But I just know that I am going to dissapoint them. They want me to become a lawyer and like a good daughter I have applied to Uni's for a Law course. That being said I still intend to apply for Drama schools in my gap year mext year even though I know that they wont approve. Also my Mum is really ill. She often talks about what a happy sunny child I was and I can't help feeling like she's dissapointed that I've changed so much. I hit puberty aged ten and it hit me hard and I've never been the same since. She still wants me to be her little girl but I just can't be. Its not bloody possible but whenever she gives me one of those looks when I've lost my temper about something and I just have this urge to curl up and die.
4. I want to travel.
This shouldn't be a big issue but it seems to have become one the older I get. I can't travel with my parents because of my mums illness, thats fair enough. I've tried going on holiday with my friends but it just doesn't work. When I travel I want to see the Taj Mahal, the Spinx, the Vatican, the Golden Gate bridge. However all they want to do it lie around on beaches and go clubbing. Ok thats fun for a couple of dys maybe but do they seriously want to do that for two weeks? Please people get a grip you are in a different country go do things, see things that you can't do in bloody england.
That being said I don't really have much faith in my friends at the moment. Like I said before when I pulled myself up out of my depression I did it alone. My 'best friend' certainly wasn't standing by my side supporting me, neither were any of the people that I would consider to be my friend. I sometimes wonder if I should simply consider them aquaintences. I am pretty much the group agony aunt. If somebody has seemed down for a couple of days I give them a call and make sure they are ok. I get called if they have a problem and need to talk about a solution to it. Once I got a call at 1AM from a friend sobbing and I woke up, got out of bed and went to them. However I hit rock bottom for fuck knows how long and I got no support. Not one call saying 'You seem a bit down lately, anythig wrong?' hell a simple text of 'hey babe hope you are ok' would have done me. I mean seriously it wouldn't have even taken five miutes of their time to text me and make sure I was ok. And this past week I've been off college ill and not one single person has contacted me to see if I'm ok even though they know that I have some serious health issues.
Some of those people is fair enough, I'm not all that close to everybody and people do have lives. However I cannot seem to find it in me to forgive this lack of support from my best friend. I look back and think how many times have i pulled her out of the messes she's gotten herself into and how many times has she helped me and personally I find the ratio appalling. She's too busy off sleeping with as many men as she can find to contact me and ask whats going on. I think I'm also sour slightly towards her because there is this guy that I kind of like and have done for about five years now and he's completly crazy over my friend. She knows I like him and she knows he likes her but she keeps on flirting with him even though she has no intention of ever having a realationship with him. It doesn't help that she is very very pretty and I'm well...not. Theres more I could say about her but in reality however much i write down isn't going to help the betrayal I'm feeling.
There is more as to whats getting to me at the moment but talking more and thinking about it more won't help at this point. So until a little while later when hopefully I will be back to my happier self.
So with that being said I'm on here to rant away about the stuff thats getting to me.
I have so many dreams...so many aspirations that I'm working to and yet when I sit back and look at where I want to go I wonder what the hell I'm doing and how the hell I can even imagine that I can achieve some of those goals that are so precious to me.
1. I want to be an actress.
This is my most important goal. And one of the ones that I'm having the most difficulty seeing working out. I simply love to act, put me on that stage and I am the happiest person in the room, hell sometimes it feels like in the world. Honestly I love it and I don't care if I ever become famous or not as long as I can do it. However my parents feel it is a waste of time for me to attempt to take that career path. They would like me to become qualified as a lawyer. Taking the safe option of going to a respectable university and getting a degree. Ok I'm sure it seems like the safe option but whoever got anywhere by playing it safe?
2. I want to write
Not that long a go my head was teaming with plot bunnies that I was dying to write down but simply didn't have the time to. I was doing college work, rehearsing CatCF and getting ready to direct a play. However I was confident that soon I would sit down and have a day where I could get everything written down so that I could then go on to actually start writing. However in the midst of the chaos that I was living in I got pulled aside by one of my English teachers whom I've always respected and got told "You have no writing talent what so ever and if you have any ideas of ever being published give them up" deep down I know I should turn around and say who the hell are you to say that to me and carry on the way I was but when somebody who's opinion really means a lot to you says that it isn't that easy to think 'whatever' and I haven't been able to write a single word of fiction since. Not even of my coursework that makes up 40% of my final grade.
3. I want my parents to be proud of me.
I really do. But I just know that I am going to dissapoint them. They want me to become a lawyer and like a good daughter I have applied to Uni's for a Law course. That being said I still intend to apply for Drama schools in my gap year mext year even though I know that they wont approve. Also my Mum is really ill. She often talks about what a happy sunny child I was and I can't help feeling like she's dissapointed that I've changed so much. I hit puberty aged ten and it hit me hard and I've never been the same since. She still wants me to be her little girl but I just can't be. Its not bloody possible but whenever she gives me one of those looks when I've lost my temper about something and I just have this urge to curl up and die.
4. I want to travel.
This shouldn't be a big issue but it seems to have become one the older I get. I can't travel with my parents because of my mums illness, thats fair enough. I've tried going on holiday with my friends but it just doesn't work. When I travel I want to see the Taj Mahal, the Spinx, the Vatican, the Golden Gate bridge. However all they want to do it lie around on beaches and go clubbing. Ok thats fun for a couple of dys maybe but do they seriously want to do that for two weeks? Please people get a grip you are in a different country go do things, see things that you can't do in bloody england.
That being said I don't really have much faith in my friends at the moment. Like I said before when I pulled myself up out of my depression I did it alone. My 'best friend' certainly wasn't standing by my side supporting me, neither were any of the people that I would consider to be my friend. I sometimes wonder if I should simply consider them aquaintences. I am pretty much the group agony aunt. If somebody has seemed down for a couple of days I give them a call and make sure they are ok. I get called if they have a problem and need to talk about a solution to it. Once I got a call at 1AM from a friend sobbing and I woke up, got out of bed and went to them. However I hit rock bottom for fuck knows how long and I got no support. Not one call saying 'You seem a bit down lately, anythig wrong?' hell a simple text of 'hey babe hope you are ok' would have done me. I mean seriously it wouldn't have even taken five miutes of their time to text me and make sure I was ok. And this past week I've been off college ill and not one single person has contacted me to see if I'm ok even though they know that I have some serious health issues.
Some of those people is fair enough, I'm not all that close to everybody and people do have lives. However I cannot seem to find it in me to forgive this lack of support from my best friend. I look back and think how many times have i pulled her out of the messes she's gotten herself into and how many times has she helped me and personally I find the ratio appalling. She's too busy off sleeping with as many men as she can find to contact me and ask whats going on. I think I'm also sour slightly towards her because there is this guy that I kind of like and have done for about five years now and he's completly crazy over my friend. She knows I like him and she knows he likes her but she keeps on flirting with him even though she has no intention of ever having a realationship with him. It doesn't help that she is very very pretty and I'm well...not. Theres more I could say about her but in reality however much i write down isn't going to help the betrayal I'm feeling.
There is more as to whats getting to me at the moment but talking more and thinking about it more won't help at this point. So until a little while later when hopefully I will be back to my happier self.
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BIG HUG (warning I hug rather tightly)
Date: 2005-12-04 11:34 am (UTC)2. Being bad at writing never stopped anyone. Check out the mary-sue madness at fanfiction.net. OK, let's pretend you suck. SO? So, you suck. That still doesn't mean you can't get joy from doing it. Joy counts. And for what it counts you write some of the best friggin' reviews around. In my experience, a person who can intelligently, emotionally, and thoroughly express themselves probably has some amount of talent for writing. As far as being the next Stephen King. Well...OK, so you're not Stephen King or whomever she considers good. Do you know how many lousy artists there are in the world? Doesn't stop them either. Hey, how about sloppy drunks? Doesn't stop them either! Just kidding.
Your teacher's words would have hit me hard too, but she is someone you respect so I won't get all mad on her.
3. Ah...p-p-bler- Yes, well, we all know Willy's opinion on that matter. Here's the thing. Your parents give you the gift of LIFE. This is your LIFE and you have to live it for YOU. Your parents must want you to be HAPPY. They are worried about you being able to support yourself. Natural, but they shouldn't squash your dreams - life is more than happy to do that for you. It is hard to find the confidence to go bravely into new territority without that vote. Life and my parents weren't terribly encouraging for me there either. However, I have always enjoyed it as a hobby. When I stopped...the drinking began. Don't stop creating and discovering new things about yourself.
Happy you = unhappy parents
Happy parents = Unhappy you
That's no good and needs to be cleared up with them. However, hard as it is, you keep right on loving them and making your own choices. It's OK, you are allowed to do that. Let them worry about their own emotions. You worry about you.
4. I travel through books and music and food. I haven't had much chance to do that either, but the imagination is a wonderful thing. Even exploring little neighborhoods or nearby cities in your own communities can feel like traveling. You simply wish to explore. There are many ways to do that.
Best friends who suck. My oh my, I could prattle on about that for quite a while. I have SO been in your shoes. Uh..fuck her. Focus on YOURSELF and what you want in life. Consider those people going by the wayside a wierd gift. You see, now you CAN focus on such things without the obligations of other people getting in the way. I really have been in that situation and I thought the same thing...couldn't one person offer to go to coffee or something? It's a sign that you are maturing and your friends aren't keeping up I believe. You are on your way to a new path. That is scary, but it is also exciting. There is a world of people and experiences, but the most important person that you need is...you; confidence in yourself and your goals so that you are so content with that you don't even notice or miss the others. A few good friends are nice, but not ones who have done what yours did. I would ignore them the next time they call or bother you with their problems. Focus on yourself for a while. You could try to confront them, but it probably won't work. I'd move on.
One last squeeze
Date: 2005-12-04 11:49 am (UTC)Contrary to what most people say...life is long. I always say that. You have time to still pursue your dreams, but you get a very good shot when you are young. I HAD to work in my young adult life and I have forced myself day in and day out through many jobs that bored me silly. I would like to see you avoid that.
CD Recommendation: Egyption Nursery "God's Window" Album (it's in English with a little French) Jazz/New Age
Re:squeeze back
Date: 2005-12-04 11:15 pm (UTC)I'm feeling all emotional at the moment which I loathe but the best way to get rid of it is to express it.
Thanks for the boost about the writing. You are so right, I guess I needed someone else whos opinions I respect to knock some sense into me and to remind me the joy of writing is what matters. And with my reviews I just try to express what the writer has done for me and throw up the ideas that come to me because I think it helps to see if your audience are heading in the direction you want them too, or hell even highlight a great new things that you hadn't thought of.
Hey I sure as hell don't respect her now. Seriously you don't just come out and say that to a student, seriously if I hadn't had people like you cheering me up it could have seriously screwed up my coursework and made me miss out on the grade i deserve.
Go Willy. As far as I'm concerened hes right about the whole parents thing. Hell he can have my whole family as far as I'm concerned. Today I had a family gathering for my grandads birthday and I felt so out of place because I'm so different to the rest of them. Its just so uncomfertable.
With my friends, espesh my sucky best friend, I'm just working on the principle that in six months I won't have to see them again. They'll be off to Uni and I'll be on my gap year. And even if some of them are also on a gap year I'm hoping to find work in America...although I'm not sure thats far enough away. *laughs*
I'm sure law is a fascinating subject. And I have been to several lectures on it and all of the aspects of law are pretty ok its just not...what I want. But really who knows where I go. I may not get into the Guildhall and end up doing Law and realising that its what is best for me. I can only look foward and hope that I like where I end up.
Ah Matt. I love that kid. I adore that I am his Willy Wonka (I did try to reply to the post where you first mentioned that but it wouldn't let me send it *shurgs*) and he really is my Charlie. I am really not fond of kids but Matthew really was special and warmed my heart. Great kid.
I'll check out that Cd. Once again Thank you