Sounds like you need some comfort. I'm here for you, as you offered me. :D
All that you said pretty much resounds with me. You touched upon some things that hit directly with me. Your first dream of wanting to be an actress is mine too. Being on the stage is a wonderful place, you're absolutely right. It's so exhilirating and a good rush. And you get to meet a lot of cool people. I haven't told my parents my plan yet. I plan to go to a community college for two years, then ship out to California to move in with my friend (who would be living out there for two years already because she went to comm. college for 2 yrs, getting out there at the time I go to college) who wants nothing but to be an actress. She's devoted to it. I've been telling myself that even if I'm not an actress, I'd love to get involved with tech work on movies and stage. Still, I have to tell my parents this next summer, and I'm kind of scared. But I suggest this to you: Do what you want. Do what makes you truly happy. If you don't you'll regret it. It's for the rest of your life. Do you want to be in a job that doesn't make you the most happiest person in the world? Think about that.
If you want to write, write. That comment the teacher said to you was a pretty low blow. But don't prove them right. Just say this: Fuck them. I like to write, and I'm going to write. Start with simple things that get the creative juices flowing. A short poem, short story, writing about a good memory you have. Reading helps also - get exposed to new words! :D (love vocabulary). At one point or another, everyone feels their work is crap. I do. I looked at my fic the other day and wondered "Why do people like this? It's not good. There are plenty of better ones than mine." Truth is, that feeling is always going to come 'round. And it got me terribly down. But then there's a spark and you like your work again. You enjoy the process of writing. Just try sitting down for maybe just five or ten minutes, have a piece of paper and a pen in front of you, and see what happens. Write anything down that comes to mind.
Parents being proud - I know that one well. Disappointing them is a great fear of mine. They have certain expectations, and you want to meet them, but sometimes you can't. My parents want me to be first chair first violin in my orchestra, but I don't. You have to play by yourself in class sometimes, know how to play the music well first time, and all this other stuff, and I can't handle that. They want you to succeed. But you should set your own expectations and such and meet those. They love you, remember that. :)
Traveling is hard for me. Hee hee. Being in a landlock state isn't all much fun. There's not much to see here in KS, and we never really travel much. A shame. I love all the places you mentioned of seeing. That would be awesome! :D
I am right there with you on the friends issue. I'm still pretty down, and none of my friends have bothered coming up to me at school or calling me to see what's up. And maybe it's because I put on such a good happy mask that it doesn't show. And I don't like talking. I do bottle things up just because I hate dumping on others. One of my friends came over at 9:00 at night and was on the verge of tears. Turns out, she was for sure she was pregnant. She regretted ever doing the deed. But I was there for her. I listened to her. But I made one mention of cutting myself to her over AIM one day a week later, and she talked to me a little bit, but then I didn't get a call or she didn't ask me at school, nothing. I could have ripped my fucking wrist or arm right open and easily hide it with a long sleeved shirt and she wouldn't know. But she knows I thought about doing such a thing. I know what it feels like to be the sort of "counselor" "advice giver" of friends. But it would be good if someone else could do that for you. I wish I wouldn't have to ask, but I guess I do. *shrugs*
Pull yourself back up darling. You've done it before, you can do it again. :) Just know that I'm here for you too, even if I'm quite unstable at the moment as well. :D
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2005-12-03 06:01 pm (UTC)All that you said pretty much resounds with me. You touched upon some things that hit directly with me. Your first dream of wanting to be an actress is mine too. Being on the stage is a wonderful place, you're absolutely right. It's so exhilirating and a good rush. And you get to meet a lot of cool people. I haven't told my parents my plan yet. I plan to go to a community college for two years, then ship out to California to move in with my friend (who would be living out there for two years already because she went to comm. college for 2 yrs, getting out there at the time I go to college) who wants nothing but to be an actress. She's devoted to it. I've been telling myself that even if I'm not an actress, I'd love to get involved with tech work on movies and stage. Still, I have to tell my parents this next summer, and I'm kind of scared.
But I suggest this to you: Do what you want. Do what makes you truly happy. If you don't you'll regret it. It's for the rest of your life. Do you want to be in a job that doesn't make you the most happiest person in the world? Think about that.
If you want to write, write. That comment the teacher said to you was a pretty low blow. But don't prove them right. Just say this: Fuck them. I like to write, and I'm going to write. Start with simple things that get the creative juices flowing. A short poem, short story, writing about a good memory you have. Reading helps also - get exposed to new words! :D (love vocabulary). At one point or another, everyone feels their work is crap. I do. I looked at my fic the other day and wondered "Why do people like this? It's not good. There are plenty of better ones than mine." Truth is, that feeling is always going to come 'round. And it got me terribly down. But then there's a spark and you like your work again. You enjoy the process of writing. Just try sitting down for maybe just five or ten minutes, have a piece of paper and a pen in front of you, and see what happens. Write anything down that comes to mind.
Parents being proud - I know that one well. Disappointing them is a great fear of mine. They have certain expectations, and you want to meet them, but sometimes you can't. My parents want me to be first chair first violin in my orchestra, but I don't. You have to play by yourself in class sometimes, know how to play the music well first time, and all this other stuff, and I can't handle that. They want you to succeed. But you should set your own expectations and such and meet those. They love you, remember that. :)
Traveling is hard for me. Hee hee. Being in a landlock state isn't all much fun. There's not much to see here in KS, and we never really travel much. A shame. I love all the places you mentioned of seeing. That would be awesome! :D
I am right there with you on the friends issue. I'm still pretty down, and none of my friends have bothered coming up to me at school or calling me to see what's up. And maybe it's because I put on such a good happy mask that it doesn't show. And I don't like talking. I do bottle things up just because I hate dumping on others. One of my friends came over at 9:00 at night and was on the verge of tears. Turns out, she was for sure she was pregnant. She regretted ever doing the deed. But I was there for her. I listened to her. But I made one mention of cutting myself to her over AIM one day a week later, and she talked to me a little bit, but then I didn't get a call or she didn't ask me at school, nothing. I could have ripped my fucking wrist or arm right open and easily hide it with a long sleeved shirt and she wouldn't know. But she knows I thought about doing such a thing. I know what it feels like to be the sort of "counselor" "advice giver" of friends. But it would be good if someone else could do that for you. I wish I wouldn't have to ask, but I guess I do. *shrugs*
Pull yourself back up darling. You've done it before, you can do it again. :) Just know that I'm here for you too, even if I'm quite unstable at the moment as well. :D