I'm trying not to let it happen often but I am afraid that I have fallen into one of my depressive moods at the moment. I used to be far more depressed than this. I mean suicide attempts, crying every day untill I got to that stage where I was just numb ya know? Where I didn't feel anything, where I couldn't enjoy and seperate the good from the bad in this world. It took me a long time to climb out of that pit and I had to do it all by myself in the end. No-one stood by my side supporting me, no drugs aided me, I did it and although I sometimes wish that I'd had someone to help me I feel that I am a stronger person now because I am aware of myself in a way that I wasn't before. That being said I never want to go back to that place again and occasinally I will snap and come on here and bitch about stuff thats getting to me because its the only way to stay sane. Never ever bottle stuff up, ultimatly its making it harder on you and the fact that I never used to let out what was getting to me is part of the reason I hit the bottom and found it so hard to get myself out of the hole that ultimatly was my own creation.
So with that being said I'm on here to rant away about the stuff thats getting to me.
I have so many dreams...so many aspirations that I'm working to and yet when I sit back and look at where I want to go I wonder what the hell I'm doing and how the hell I can even imagine that I can achieve some of those goals that are so precious to me.
1. I want to be an actress.
This is my most important goal. And one of the ones that I'm having the most difficulty seeing working out. I simply love to act, put me on that stage and I am the happiest person in the room, hell sometimes it feels like in the world. Honestly I love it and I don't care if I ever become famous or not as long as I can do it. However my parents feel it is a waste of time for me to attempt to take that career path. They would like me to become qualified as a lawyer. Taking the safe option of going to a respectable university and getting a degree. Ok I'm sure it seems like the safe option but whoever got anywhere by playing it safe?
2. I want to write
Not that long a go my head was teaming with plot bunnies that I was dying to write down but simply didn't have the time to. I was doing college work, rehearsing CatCF and getting ready to direct a play. However I was confident that soon I would sit down and have a day where I could get everything written down so that I could then go on to actually start writing. However in the midst of the chaos that I was living in I got pulled aside by one of my English teachers whom I've always respected and got told "You have no writing talent what so ever and if you have any ideas of ever being published give them up" deep down I know I should turn around and say who the hell are you to say that to me and carry on the way I was but when somebody who's opinion really means a lot to you says that it isn't that easy to think 'whatever' and I haven't been able to write a single word of fiction since. Not even of my coursework that makes up 40% of my final grade.
3. I want my parents to be proud of me.
I really do. But I just know that I am going to dissapoint them. They want me to become a lawyer and like a good daughter I have applied to Uni's for a Law course. That being said I still intend to apply for Drama schools in my gap year mext year even though I know that they wont approve. Also my Mum is really ill. She often talks about what a happy sunny child I was and I can't help feeling like she's dissapointed that I've changed so much. I hit puberty aged ten and it hit me hard and I've never been the same since. She still wants me to be her little girl but I just can't be. Its not bloody possible but whenever she gives me one of those looks when I've lost my temper about something and I just have this urge to curl up and die.
4. I want to travel.
This shouldn't be a big issue but it seems to have become one the older I get. I can't travel with my parents because of my mums illness, thats fair enough. I've tried going on holiday with my friends but it just doesn't work. When I travel I want to see the Taj Mahal, the Spinx, the Vatican, the Golden Gate bridge. However all they want to do it lie around on beaches and go clubbing. Ok thats fun for a couple of dys maybe but do they seriously want to do that for two weeks? Please people get a grip you are in a different country go do things, see things that you can't do in bloody england.
That being said I don't really have much faith in my friends at the moment. Like I said before when I pulled myself up out of my depression I did it alone. My 'best friend' certainly wasn't standing by my side supporting me, neither were any of the people that I would consider to be my friend. I sometimes wonder if I should simply consider them aquaintences. I am pretty much the group agony aunt. If somebody has seemed down for a couple of days I give them a call and make sure they are ok. I get called if they have a problem and need to talk about a solution to it. Once I got a call at 1AM from a friend sobbing and I woke up, got out of bed and went to them. However I hit rock bottom for fuck knows how long and I got no support. Not one call saying 'You seem a bit down lately, anythig wrong?' hell a simple text of 'hey babe hope you are ok' would have done me. I mean seriously it wouldn't have even taken five miutes of their time to text me and make sure I was ok. And this past week I've been off college ill and not one single person has contacted me to see if I'm ok even though they know that I have some serious health issues.
Some of those people is fair enough, I'm not all that close to everybody and people do have lives. However I cannot seem to find it in me to forgive this lack of support from my best friend. I look back and think how many times have i pulled her out of the messes she's gotten herself into and how many times has she helped me and personally I find the ratio appalling. She's too busy off sleeping with as many men as she can find to contact me and ask whats going on. I think I'm also sour slightly towards her because there is this guy that I kind of like and have done for about five years now and he's completly crazy over my friend. She knows I like him and she knows he likes her but she keeps on flirting with him even though she has no intention of ever having a realationship with him. It doesn't help that she is very very pretty and I'm well...not. Theres more I could say about her but in reality however much i write down isn't going to help the betrayal I'm feeling.
There is more as to whats getting to me at the moment but talking more and thinking about it more won't help at this point. So until a little while later when hopefully I will be back to my happier self.